When Christ is Your Identity- Lack of Identity After Leaving a Cult

Leaving a cult can be one of the most disorienting experiences a person can endure. It is a rupture not only from a controlling belief system but often from that person's entire social life, support system, purpose, and understanding of self.

Leaving a healthy religion can be incredibly disorienting as someone's entire way of understanding the world suddenly disappears; but leaving a high-control group brings on the kind of identity crisis that can hardly be fathomed by someone who hasn't experienced it.

No only do those of us who escape have psychological and often physical trauma, but we are suddenly left with no sense of self.

Lalich and Tobias (2006) define a cult as a group with charismatic leadership, an authoritarian structure, and ideology that requires total commitment. That total commitment to the group includes giving up your sense of self, and your individuality. Your hopes, dreams, wants, aspirations, and needs are worthless, and pursuing them is seen as a sign of having 'one foot in the world', or as being lukewarm.

You are expected to totally submit to God in all aspects of your life, but the catch there is that your leader is seen as the one God has placed in authority over you. Your leader/pastor has total authority over your life in every area, from what job you can have, who you marry, how your finances look- the list goes on.

In addition to this total personal control, doctrine tends to be manipulated to enforce conformity and discourage critical thinking- i.e. 'doubts and questions are from the devil'.

Over time, a collective identity is formed centred around the group's doctrine, with those who do not conform being gradually pushed to the outer, and even publicly denounced as being under a rebellious spirit, or 'in sin'.

Eventually, a hard-core group of believers who look to the leader as God's voice on earth are left, and the identity cultivated by the pastor becomes enmeshed with member's core sense of self.

According to Lifton (1989), cults employ "thought reform" techniques, such as confession, milieu control, and mystical manipulation, which distort a person's sense of reality and self. Through continuous reinforcement and community surveillance, members internalise the cult’s ideology as their only legitimate identity. As a result, personal boundaries erode, and individuals learn to distrust their own perceptions.

It's worth bringing up that this erosion of personal identity is probably more severe for women and those socialised as women within Christian cults.

This is because in many of these groups women are seen as an extension of their husband, as nothing more than a helpmeet who doesn't even have her own 'calling' from God; but as someone who exists only to bring up the next generation and serve their husband.

Leaving a cult isn't just about rejecting doctrine and beliefs, but about rejecting the identity that was formed for you.

I feel that part of a journal entry of mine from not long after I left sums it up quite well,

'I feel like my entire life has been a play, and I'm an actor. The writer has written my backstory, my personality profile, my social connections, my hopes and aspirations. But it's all 2D. There's no depth. My entire life has just been an extension of the words the writer put on paper, coming from their own sense of self, or their own wants, and it's been up to the producer and costumer to tell me how that is supposed to be lived out.

And now, I'm on the stage in front of an audience, and I have no script to read from, no one to hand me a costume or do my stage makeup, nothing, but the spotlight is on me. I'm not even quite sure how to step off the stage I was born on, and become part of the audience.'

This kind of internal collapse is evident in research by Singer and Lalich (1995), who note that former cult members frequently experience depersonalization, confusion, and deep shame.

Members have been taught that their salvation is dependent on total obedience and that any deviation from the truth will open them up to all kinds of spiritual attack.

You're suddenly left without a rule book for life after having every single area of your life being presented to you as a very black/white right/wrong thing, and that freedom can be terrifying.

You know how when an animal is released into the wild after being raised in captivity, they need slow teaching and conditioning to freedom, because instant release would be deadly?

Yeah.

We had instant freedom in that sense, and it's terrifying. For some people this can lead to cult-hopping, because the familiarity of captivity can be more comfortable than the uncertainty of freedom.

This uncertainty tends to be exacerbated by the fact that it was so drummed into us that the outside world is evil and not to be trusted, leading to massive difficulty and shame around building a sense of self.

Shame is so incredibly important to talk about in this context, because it plays a huge part in someone's post-cult identity crisis.

Within these groups, the leaders tend to instill fear of damnation, divine retribution, or curses as a result of 'stepping out from under the covering', to keep members compliant.

When someone leaves, they often have intense fear and guilt for 'putting the son of God to shame', and betraying everything they ever believed in.

According to Ward (2011), this religious guilt can persist for years, and will often look like anxiety, depression, and self-hatred.

Dr. Marlene Winell coined the term Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS) to describe the psychological and emotional distress caused by harmful religious experiences. RTS includes symptoms like anxiety, depression, loss of community, cognitive dissonance, and difficulty making decisions. According to Winell (2011), RTS is particularly severe in those who were raised in high-control religious groups because their entire worldview is constructed through the lens of the group.

RTS is not officially recognised in the DSM-5, but it has gained traction among psychologists working with religious abuse survivors. Awareness of RTS can be validating for ex-cult members, giving language to what often feels like an indescribable loss.

--I think it's important to pop a little side note in here that grieving the loss of your cult is normal and okay, and not something to be ashamed about. Those who have never been in a cult won't understand, and may even think it's silly, but it was your whole world. Not only that, but your best friends and often family are still in, and the loss of those relationships is hard. There's also an element of culture shock, but I'll touch on that more in my next paragraph--

Leaving a Christian cult often means entering a secular world that may feel foreign or even threatening. Cults tend to frame outsiders as dangerous or immoral, so ex-members can experience significant culture shock. Normal social interaction, dating norms, and pop culture can be utterly baffling. Heck, I still don't get a lot of pop culture references.

This in itself can be really isolating and hard to deal with, because you've left a group where you knew the group-speak, the doctrine etc., and all of a sudden you're trying to make friends with people while having very little understanding of the things people often bond over.

The disorientation is similar to that of immigrants adapting to a new country. Berry’s (1997) model of acculturation can be helpful here: individuals may assimilate (fully adopt the new culture), separate (cling to old ways), integrate (blend the two), or become marginalised (rejected by both). The healthiest outcomes usually involve integration- preserving valuable aspects of one’s past while embracing new growth.

A personal example of this is that I quite enjoy some activities I learnt to be a good wife such as sewing, baking sourdough, making pickles etc., so I still do those things; but I've reframed the way I do them.

Instead of doing those things in a tradwife way, I have chosen to reclaim them in a very queer way, so they've become an act of resistance and rebellion towards my abusers.

Victor Frankl (1985), a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, believed that humans are driven by a search for meaning. After the collapse of cult-induced meaning, survivors often face what I believe is best described as a nihilistic void. However, this vacuum can also be a space of beautiful potential.

There is definitely something to be said for the privilage of seeing the world in a new way, and being able to start over.

For some, that means walking away, dealing with trauma, and never looking back; while for others, purpose and meaning come through things like survivor advocacy,and assistance.

I feel that the key here is agency- choosing your own path because it's best for you.

The loss of identity after leaving a Christian cult is profound, but it is not insurmountable. With time, support, and introspection, it is possible to rebuild a self that is grounded, resilient, and free.

Recruited members may never return to who they were before the cult, but they can become something new: individuals who have faced the abyss and emerged with deeper insight and authenticity.

While for those of us who were born into cults, we have the opportunity to write our own story, and will often have unique insight into many things that can be really helpful in a number of spaces.

For those on this journey, know this: you are not alone, and your story matters. Healing is not a straight line, but each step you take is a testament to your strength.

You'll get there babe.

References

• Berry, J. W. (1997). Immigration, acculturation, and adaptation. Applied Psychology, 46(1), 5-34.

• Frankl, V. E. (1985). Man's Search for Meaning. Washington Square Press.

• Lalich, J., & Tobias, M. (2006). Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships. Bay Tree Publishing.

• Lifton, R. J. (1989). Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism. University of North Carolina Press.

• Singer, M. T., & Lalich, J. (1995). Cults in Our Midst: The Hidden Menace in Our Everyday Lives. Jossey-Bass.

• Ward, C. (2011). Religious trauma syndrome. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Today, 20(3), 34-40.

• Winell, M. (2011). Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion. Apocryphile Press.